Intro
Psychologists believe our characters are established by the age of six. Now, a fascinating new book explains the factor that exerts the most powerful influence on us all is the order in which we’re born. According to clinical psychologist Linda Blair (in her new book, Birth Order: What Your Position In The Family Really Tells You About Your Character), she reveals it’s not just your character that’s affected by birth order - but your career and relationships, too.Picture yourself meeting someone new. You don’t know much about him yet - but there’s a powerful attraction and you’ve agreed to meet again. If all goes well, you’ll start seeing each other regularly. Over the coming months, you’ll slowly discover whether or not he’s self-confident, disorganized, ambitious, jealous or emotionally needy.
However, there’s another far quicker way to find out whether your match is made in heaven. Just ask him what position he holds in his family. Was he born first or last? Did he come in the middle - either as number two or lower down - or was he an only child?
Each of these birth-order positions has specific characteristics. Not only are they likely to apply to your new boyfriend / girlfriend, but they also apply to you.
So, for example, if he’s a last-born and you’re a first-born, you’ll probably find that you get on extremely well. But if you’re both only children, there could be problems ahead.
Is it too simplistic to be true? Look at it this way: the foundations of your character were established primarily before the age of six or seven - a period when your place in the family was a big factor in your life. Indeed, a growing number of psychological studies show that birth positions have a strong effect on character.Birth order, however, is only one important piece of the puzzle. A person’s character will also be affected by other events in early life - such as parents divorcing, or if there was wider abuse in the house, or constantly moving home.
What looking at birth positions will do is help you negotiate the minefield of potential influences on character by giving you the likely characteristics of any potential partner. This means that knowing your lover’s position in a family will definitely help predict how difficult or easy it will be to get along.
A first-born and a last-born
The maxim that ‘opposites attract’ makes a good starting-point, because first-borns often make a good match with a last-born. One reason is that the eldest in a family is likely to be an organized and caring person.
A last-born enjoys being dependent on someone else, but also tends to be less organized. These differences make complete sense within a relationship: the first-born ideally wants someone he/she can love and nurture, and the last-born wants someone to look after him or her. Not only that, the youngest in a family usually more fun-loving than the eldest, who can do with having a bit more lightness in his /her life.
Meanwhile, the last-born’s rebelliousness will delight many rule-abiding first-borns, who often vicariously enjoy their partner’s risk-taking behavior. However, there’s one potential problem with this last-born/first-born combination. Last-borns who are passionate about their own beliefs may clash with the type of conventional first-born who insists on setting all the house rules.
Two first-borns
Among the most difficult partnerships are those between two first-borns. If you’re both highly competitive, conflict is very likely because both of you want to be in charge. These matches can work well - but only if each partner genuinely respects the qualities of the other, and at least one of them expresses his/her desire to lead and dominate somewhere outside the relationship.
A first-born and an only child
A single and a first-born won’t mesh easily, either, for many of the same reasons.
True, the first-born would be sensitive to the single’s emotional needs. But first-borns are also likely to challenge single partners for the upper hand - which could turn it into an unpleasant competition.
A middle-born and a first-born
Middle-borns also make good partners for last-borns - in fact, the middle child can have a successful relationship with a partner in any birth position.Because of his/her long history of negotiating sibling conflict and making compromises for the sake of others, most people find him/her easy to get along with. On the plus side, middle-borns - who are well used to allowing someone else to take charge - will tolerate a last-born’s need to be the centre of attention.
Plus, middle-borns are likely to agree to any adventures first-borns have in mind, or to any proposals for unconventional ways of living. In any relationship, however, the malleability of middle children may cause problems.
If they never stand up for themselves, or hold a position firmly, it’s possible that their partners will lose respect for them. Partners can also start taking advantage of the deference that’s a key characteristic of middle-borns.
This can become a problem if the middle child feels that his/her needs are being totally ignored - and it’s most likely to happen in a partnership with a first-born. If first-borns are particularly overbearing, their middle-born partners may feel over-dominated (and because of their own birth-order characteristics, they may not even voice their dissatisfaction).
So if your partner’s a middle-born, and you have a tendency to dominate, try to step back at times. Ask your partner for his/her opinion or encourage him/her to express any concerns.
Lastly, if you’re a middle-born, it’s important for you to take time, periodically, to think about what’s most important to you. Then you need to be direct and clear about what you want.
A middle-born and a last-born
This is another good match. The middle-born - amenable and willing to compromise - is more likely than anyone else to allow a last-born to pursue his/her dreams, however unconventional or unworkable these may seem.
There may be less order and goal-directed behavior in this pairing as there would be with a last-born and a first-born, but the relationship has more chance of being an evenly amicable one.
Two middle-borns
Again, the middle-born can have a successful relationship with another middle-born. There’s one important caveat, though. The two of them may be so deferential to each other’s wishes that they may have difficulty making up their minds about anything together.
A middle-born and an only child
A single and a middle-born also make a fairly good match. The single will probably want to take charge, and the co-operative middle-born will be happy to allow this.
There’s a potential drawback in this match, though. Middle-borns with only-child partners can feel overshadowed and/or over-directed, yet they probably won’t be able to recognize why they’re feeling this way.
This could even lead to feelings of depression in the middle-born. That’s why, in such matches, it’s particularly important for the couple to talk through their plans and ideas on a regular basis and make sure they feel right to both of them.
Two last-borns
A youngest child who chooses another last-born is likely to form an extremely creative partnership. On the other hand, two last-borns may find it difficult to plan ahead sensibly and to ensure the mundane tasks of daily life are completed. In short, life for two last-borns may be rather chaotic.
Last-borns and only children
This is another potentially good match. The singles, who are generally sensible and conscientious, often take charge of their less-organized partner. And last-borns will introduce a sense of creativity and adventure into the relationship.
Two only children
The most difficult match for a single child is probably with another single. Each partner is a relative novice at getting on well with equals and reading other people’s emotional signals — so the potential for misunderstandings is great.
Both will wish to be in charge, and each will probably find it difficult to accept directions from the other. Furthermore, if both tend towards perfectionism, there’ll be no one to apply the brakes and encourage periods of rest and play
